Vildana Stanišić

Vildana Stanišić

THE DOCTOR OF MY SOUL

You took my soul slowly, piece by piece. In such a deliberate way, by "Socratic dialogue" as only you know, you extracted from me everything you wanted to hear. And then when you emptied my mind and when you had my soul in your palm, then when I became your puppet you confidently mastered my thoughts and my whole being. You have become my whole Universe, everything I hear and see, my other self.

My doctor for the soul - the poisoner of my mind.

I dreamed some beautiful dreams with you, touching the stars and sailing on a pink cloud of illusions. So hypnotized and enraptured you completely possessed me. You started like a sculptor to create my new character and you shaped me according to your desire and your will. It was enough to snap your fingers and wake me from a month’s sleep. Let a new self, unknown to herself, a woman without age, without name and surname. A woman who knows only about you. You stretched out your hands towards me, but not to accept me, but to push me as hard as possible from myself. Like a porcelain doll, I broke into the smallest pieces, unaware of myself and my existence. Like an innocent girl surrounded by a pack of wild beasts with wide open eyes I stared at you as you told me in which direction to go, like a signpost at the crossroads of life you stood at the center of my thoughts. But I was lost and caught in the labyrinth of life. I saw the woman you created in my character in your pupils and no, I didn't recognize her. It wasn't me anymore. It wasn't you anymore, the one from the beginning of our story, the one I trusted like no one before. You didn't even blink as you stabbed me right in the heart. You fell silent, looked at me wordlessly, as I bled in front of you and with a look full of horror and sorrow begged for help. Prayed that you wouldn't leave me now that I needed you most.

The doctor of my soul - my executioner.

And what could I expect, what to hope for? This heart is used to being broken to pieces. This soul is used to being betrayed and hurt. This woman is used to being rejected and walking through life on her own.

Before midnight all the magic disappears and the princess becomes Cinderella again. As we watch the mosaic of the past days in silence, I fold before my eyes. I become aware of myself, you, the truth. You were just a drop of water in the desert of feelings. A drop of water that was not drinkable, a drop that poisoned me. I gather the pieces of my soul, I assemble into a whole. I get up, I stand up in front of you, some new me. I smile at you as best I can, as you follow my every move and reciprocate in the same way. I wished to extend my hand to you for the end, but I paused, stood up. to bleed harder. "Stay my most beautiful apparition"! I thought to myself as I heard your voice somewhere in my subconscious. You wish me all the best in life. You say my name for the first time, only now at the end of the story. It's good, at least now I know who I am and what my name is. Heads up, I leave proudly, with the expression of the face of the ice queen. Ironically, smiling at you, I close the door behind me. You used to always go out after me to see me off, this time you were left alone on the other side of the door in silence. Is this door, this wall everything that divides us, everything that stands between us? No, the obstacles between us are much bigger, insurmountable abysses. Stay goodbye to me, fairy tale untold, unfulfilled in my sleep.

The doctor of my soul - my shattered illusion.

I am alone again in a world of harsh reality and arrogant people. Again without love and trust, without support and protector. Again only your own. In a world where there are other rules that I will never accept. Because it's just me, so similar, and so different from all other women.

Vildana Stanišić